Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Breaking up

Confession time. I am determined to be as honest as I can be about this experience. Maybe someone out there will take some comfort from my words. In any case, it might help me on this very bumpy ride.

Things I am scared about:

- Being on my own again.
- Not having anyone to hug.
- Being lonely.
- Feeling unlovable (ie. my emotional messiness).
- Living with people who turn out to be nightmares.
- Not feeling comfortable in my new home - wherever it may be.
- Not knowing where my life is going.
- Not having my family nearby for support.
- Falling apart.
- Having to go home in a state of failure rather than of.. triumph? No. Glory? No. Success? Well, in a sense. That will have to do. A small scale success, as in: I survived London on my own and made a small life here for a while.

Things I am OK about:

- Getting more time to do things I want to do for myself. Or perhaps I should say, being pushed into doing more things I want to do by this experience.
- Spending some time looking inwards and finding out what makes me happy/contented/at peace.
- House-hunting. I haven't come across any real weirdos yet - just slightly too small, slightly too dark, or slightly too noisy rooms, but the people have generally been nice (which is reassuring).
- That the struggling has taken a back seat (for now).

Things I am happy about:

Ummmm...that it's Summer?


Cinders said...

hiya Melbourne Dreaming. Good blog. I hear your fears, have felt them myself exactly the same! If this helps: your life will be fabulous in a couple of months and those fears will be memories and in the past. Breaking up is like losing a best friend so it's kind of horrible to go through but you will find a new you at the end of it! Good luck and know that all will be well. It just will, in fact it will be better. I'm a Melbourne girl in London too and this is fun city - you'll be fine! I totally understand your feeling of not wanting to go home in a state of 'failure' but (as you probably know) that's just in your mind, no-one else will think that, they'll just be happy to see you.

Anna said...

Feeling scared is normal -- particularly after four years with someone. Hell, I feel scared after ending a relationship that's gone for a lot less time. But, no matter how you feel at the moment, remember that there will ALWAYS be plenty of people in the world who will like you, care about you, value you, and yes, if it's a special person, love you.

But you know this - it's just that annoying little voice in the back of your head is toying with you. So it's nice to read that you can see some positives. Focus on those!

susanna said...

thinking of you, MD. x

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