Thursday, June 22, 2006

Krispy Kreme doughnuts - the work of the devil

Over here, sometimes I hear a snippet of news from home that, due to the distance between my place of birth and where I am now, gets a little blown out of proportion in my head. So it was when I heard that Krispy Kreme doughnuts have made their greasy way over there.

I can't help feeling a little protective of my Melbourne, the city I was born and grew up in. I feel kind of like a big sister figure in relation to my home town (maybe because I am a real-life big sister), and like a big sis, I want to protect my Melbourne from the big, bad, nasty world at large. If I can be incredibly patronising for a minute, there is an innocence about Australia which I wasn't even aware of until I left her sunny shores. My first response on hearing the news was outrage, followed quickly by a feeling of helpless disappointment - another piece of litter strewn on the pathway to American domination.

The problems I have with Krispy Kreme doughnuts are many. Behold:

1. They are seriously, heart-stoppingly bad for you.

2. They promote annoyingly American-product-style bad spelling, which just grates me like fingernails on a chalk board.

3. I don't know how much they are over there, but here in London you could blow your whole lunch allowance on one doughnut.

4. I hate the nostalgic, "1950's Americana" packaging.

5. They have a doughnut called the "Cruller", which features a weird spiral pattern. This is completely unecessary and wrong.

6. Speaking of which, there are just too many varieties. Americans took the concept of consumer choice, and sprinted off with it, turning it into a brain-numbing, zombie-making nightmare of obesity and excess.

7. The ridiculous spin they produce in response to bad press. For example, the "nutrition information" button on the website, which makes dumb people feel reassured by its presence alone.

So there you have it. My personal tirade against the great American bandwagon, rolling over countries like an unstoppable juggernaut, spilling grease, spewing CO2 and rewarding idiots wherever it goes. Please bear in mind, I am the hugest sugar-fiend, and doughnuts used to be the highlight of my week in High School. So I will understand if you succumb and try one of these doughy delights.

Just as long as you don't mind feeling sick with yourself afterwards.

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